So, why do kids end up in care?

Why do children enter the care system?

Some people who have nothing to do with the child protection system may be curious and unaware of the reasons why some children enter the system.

Its not because they are ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’ kids – and it may surprise you to hear that its not because their parents are necessarily ‘bad’ either.

The short answer is, well, it’s complicated. Its not as simple as ‘their parent doesn’t love them’. In fact, for the most part, birth parents really do love their children, but they may not know how to show it or how to care for them. This is typically because of their own experiences as children and how they were raised.

Think about your own approach to parenting (or what you feel your approach to parenting might be if you haven’t biological children of your own). Where does it come from? What influences how you parent? For most of us, there’s quite a few:

1) How we were raised

Without even realising it, we may have taken on strategies, approaches and values our parents had when they were parenting us. That’s natural. But what if they use strategies and approaches that aren’t useful or helpful, or are in fact harmful nowadays?

Smacking is a good example. It was the ‘done thing’ a couple of generations ago, but now, with 60 years of quality research from around the world, we know that smacking does not actually help children grow and feel safe. It may stop a ‘bad’ behaviour in that moment; but it doesn’t teach any skills for life. It may even teach a child that whoever is the biggest, the loudest and who hits the hardest has the power, and we know that doesn’t turn out well.

2) Cultural and societal ‘norms’

Some of what we learn about parenting comes from the environment around us. What our culture says. What our society says.

I don’t know about you, but if you’ve ever had a toddler have a massive tantrum in the grocery isle, while you’re dying of embarrassment and wishing the floor would open up and swallow you whole, you are keenly aware of those around you and not wanting to feel or be judged. Thankfully, as you grow in confidence as a parent (and as a foster carer) you’ll learn to worry less about what others in the grocery store may think and you’ll think more about ‘what is going on for my child? What is the reason behind this behaviour’ and you’ll try to work on that, rather than the behaviour itself.

3) The influence of important others

Sometimes it may be a teacher, a neighbour, a friend, a grandparent, or even a foster carer. They might parent/act/engage with you differently to your own parents, so potentially they role-modelled what type of parent you want to be.

The list goes on. It’s important for carers to have a deep understanding of how they parent and why they do it, so that if something unusual, strange, worrying or upsetting arises you can think back, reflect on why you’re having that reaction and make sense of it.

This about like this - That person who cuts you off in traffic, who makes you angry, but you don’t then chase them down and scream abuse at them, all the while nearly causing an accident? That’s because you have insight and reflection, and the capacity to experience your emotions, without giving in to them and letting them overtake you.

This skill of reflection is a powerful tool to use as a foster carer and will come in handy when faced with unusual, strange, worrying or upsetting behaviours from a foster child. If you can be aware of why you respond a certain way, then you’ll be less likely to take it out on the child!

So, some parents of children who enter care may fall victim to these things as well. They may use excessive discipline and harsh punishments, because that’s what they had happen to them when they were growing up. Or maybe they had parents who were absent, in prison, on drugs or neglectful, so they didn’t have anyone (healthy) to learn from about what makes a ‘good’ parent. They might not have anyone in their life who doesn’t go chasing the guy who cut them off in traffic, so that’s what they’ve learnt to do too.

It makes sense that if we learn from our parents how to parent, or not to, then the experiences of parents whose children are taken into foster care will be similar. This is what is called intergenerational trauma – where the impact of trauma can be handed down to the next generation. If children are abused, harmed and are not raised in supported, caring environments, they may grow up not able to provide a safe, caring environment for their children (without help from others).

Check out the impact of this on our First Nations people through a short animation, which shows why we need to work carefully and respectfully with birth family and community wherever possible - Intergenerational trauma | Healing Foundation

Children enter the care system who have, sadly, experienced physical, emotional or sexual abuse, neglect and abandonment. They may enter the system because of the death of a parent or the incarceration of a parent. The child protection system will only remove a child from their family of origin if they have evidenced to a judge that there is no parent willing and able to care for them.

The aim in most situations is to try to reunify a child home to family. This can be really hard for some to understand – ‘Why do these parents get their kids back after they have harmed them?’ some ask. Well, entering the care system, being removed from all they know (even if that is not a positive environment), that is traumatic too. So we want to limit kids having to experience that removal where possible. Family supports are put in place to help birth parents make changes to their lives – to move away from a relationship marred by domestic violence; to stop or reduce alcohol and drug misuse; to learn how to be a better parent through attending training and counselling. And if those parents do this within a reasonable timeframe, then their children have a right to go home.

We’ll talk more about managing the difficult but necessary task of saying goodbye to your foster child in one of next blogs. For now, just remember, Birth parents may have done terrible acts and caused trauma and abuse.

But for the most part, that may be because the same happened to them when they were children. Sometimes the right supports at the right time may be enough to change their lives, and their children’s, for the better.