Becoming a carer, and what surprised me was the number of things that weren’t a surprise!

Written by a Tribe-introduced Foster Carer, supported by a Brisbane-based fostering support agency partner of Tribe.

I became a general foster carer about 4 months ago. And what has surprised me are the number of things about fostering that were not actually that much of a surprise. But there were a few definite surprises in there too, don’t get me wrong!

Not surprised - In the same phone call to tell me that I had been approved as a foster carer, there was a request about whether I would consider a placement of two brothers that afternoon. This is what many of my friends predicted. And a few hours later two primary school young fellows came to stay in an emergency placement. 110 days later (the youngest one marked the 100 day on the calendar) they are still here and yep, there is definitely lots I’ve learnt and a bit I’ve been surprised by, going from never parenting to fulltime sharing my space and home with two kids.

Surprised - by how quickly I adjusted to the daily schedule of having to feed two more mouths. Packed lunches for school; some parts healthy, some parts less so. Having to make up new names to disguise vegetables to ensure some vitamins were consumed. Realising my own diet had deteriorated significantly as the focus was on kid-friendly food.

Not surprised - Book week was as frightening an experience as I thought it would be. I over-thought it – stressed about getting it right and avoiding a bookweek failure. Eventually the kids ended up with decent costumes and the only person particularly stressed was me.

Not surprised - That my dog was a great ice breaker but definitely underestimated his therapeutic value. Adored by the boys, regularly I’m reminded that if there was a choice to be made, my dog would be saved from falling off a cliff rather than me. The pride in overcoming initial fear of him, of walking him on a lead independently, of taking on the chore of feeding him and teaching him tricks. He has definitely done the heavy lifting in providing the emotional safety net. On the downside, his manners have deteriorated dramatically with all the random food that is sent his way and he now comes to expect. I do think he should be acknowledged on the foster carer approval certificate as critical to my capability as a carer.

Surprised - At how ‘zen’ I could be cooking dinner, washing dishes, answering endless random questions whilst a one man soccer match occurs around me and the kitchen and a complicated experiment with increasing amounts of flour, water, oil and salt being used at the other end of the kitchen bench. All at the same time.

But then surprised at other times how my much regulated emotions, became quickly dysregulated, and frustration and anger overwhelm in response to what I perceive as defiance or extreme sibling fighting (when it was probably not really that extreme). The speed that it occurs has been a surprise and I’m still figuring out and practicing daily how to respond in a way that de-escalates and not escalates and focus on the theraupeutic part of the caring role.

Surprised - At how quickly the kids have physically connected with me and how apparently my couch is the most comfortable one, despite many others being available, and the only one that some evenings everyone wants to sit and snuggle on and that two boys, one adult and one large dog can fit on a two-seater couch if needed.

Surprised - That whilst I have mostly been comfortable being in the space of ‘interim’ carer (as an emergency carer) and being able to take each day as it comes without clarity of how long it would be, others in my life have jumped to thoughts about permanency for the boys with me. And of course not surprised that my family has welcomed them warmly – to the extent of organizing a surprise birthday for one of the boys early on in their time with me. And surprised at the generosity of family, friends and community in providing books, clothes and toys before I even knew I needed them.

Surprised - At how my social life ground to a halt fairly quickly and the logistics of arranging babysitting wasn’t generally worth the effort. And surprised how much time I’ve spent at skateboard parks, playing soccer and how many conversations focus on the intricate details of drones and Pokémon cards.

Not surprised – About the benefit of an ‘assessment’ type placement, where a child stays with someone like me in an emergency placement to ‘assess’ where might be ‘best fit’ for them. Whilst the length of the placement has been much longer than I wanted or planned, I can also really see the value of a longer-term interim home where the boys don’t have to feel conflicted in terms of their attachments to family, just feel safe to be, where there is time and space to settle behaviours, get a better sense of what is going on for them and what they might need longer term.

Not surprised - By the range of emotions I will no doubt experience when the boys leave.

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