It's the whole family, who Fosters!

When you make the awesome decision to become a carer, it is not just you who fosters. Even if you are single and have no dependent children at home, you are still bringing into your life a new little person who has the ability to touch the lives of everyone in your extended family, your friendship group, your tribe!

It will not be just YOU who grows deep, profound connections with a child; it may be your parents (‘foster grandparents’), your children (‘foster siblings’) or your friends (who could be similar to an ‘aunt’ or an additional safe person for a foster child).

Everyone close to you, who is regularly involved in your life, needs to be aware, and supportive, of your desire to foster.

Here is a list of questions or comments you might want to use to promote discussion within your family or network, to learn their views and gain their support or advice:

- What are my strengths as a parent or potential foster carer?

- I’m motivated to foster because "………." Do you feel now is the right time and the right reason to foster?

- What support do you think you can provide me if I decide to foster?

- Imagine when we catch up, you visit or I visit your house. Imagine I have a foster child with me. What impact will this have on your life?

- What areas of support do you think I’ll need when I become a carer?

Having a stable family structure (a family of people who are fairly settled, there’s not a lot of movement or changes, etc) has been found to contribute to positive outcomes for children in foster care, including an enhanced ability to help them recover from the trauma and abuse that has led to them being in care in the first place. On the flip side, when a family experiences the transformation to becoming a family who fosters, there will be many changes in the family dynamics, relationship and general day-to-day life.

So if you’re about to have a baby, recently experienced a spousal separation, are moving house or recently changed jobs for example, it’s important to take a moment to pause, re-establish yourself, your routine, your family structure / your own tribe, before adding to it!

Foster children need and deserve a stable, settled environment so they can start to work through and recover from the negative impacts of trauma.

If you have your own children in your home, they will play a massive role in fostering. They won’t be changing the nappies, managing big emotions, or driving the foster child to school (that’s your role!) but they will be role-modelling how to play, how to manage conflict, how to follow rules (and how to break them…..a quintessential part of being a kid, right?!)

So it’s absolutely critical your children are involved in the decision making process to become a family who fosters. Research clearly tells us fostering will have an impact on their lives and they need to understand how and in what ways they will be affected. Its not all doom and gloom; they will learn empathy, understanding, how to support and care for others, all beautiful and life-long skills we all wish for our children.

They will however have the experience of less direct time with you, their parent. They will have to share more; toys, time, space. They will be exposed to behaviours they may not have experienced before (children in care come with trauma; that means trauma-based behaviours! Check out our next blog entry to learn more about trauma). They will need to feel safe and secure with you to be able to talk through how they feel and how they’re going to manage a new person in their home and in their lives. Research (and our own lived experiences working in the industry) confirm that one factor that improves a foster family’s biological children’s capacity to cope with fostering is ensuring they have the opportunity to have open discussions about any difficulties, primarily with you as their parent, but also with other safe people, including therapists or social workers.

If children and young people are allowed and supported to explain worries, complain about the things they find problematic and are enabled to display negative feelings, they are better equipped to cope with issues that may arise.

Here are some starting questions and talking points when discussing fostering with your child/ren:

- There are children in the community who can’t live with their mums or dads for different reasons. They might be unwell or unable to provide care for them. While they’re working to get better or address the issues they face, those children need to be with foster carers. I’m thinking about becoming a carer. What do you think about that?

- What do you think it could be like, having another child live here with us?

- It may mean you’ll have to share quite a bit – share your time, your space, your toys, your parents. They might even end up going to your school too. Do you have any worries about that? What might be some of the good things about fostering?

- What can we as a family offer a foster child?

- What other information would you like to know before we go ahead with applying to foster?

We’re not going to say fostering is without its challenges. You’re bringing another completely new person into your home, into your family, into your friendship group. It’s going to have an impact. BUT you can prepare your tribe about this change, take into consideration their views, listen to their worries (and their excitement!!) and use these comments to guide you about whether now is the right time for you to foster.

If you feel now is the right time, complete the Pre-Screen Quiz to connect with the right agency. If you are still ‘not quite ready yet’, that’s fine. We’re here for you and glad you’re part of our Tribe!