Introducing a new member of the Tribe to your home.

Imagine any time you’ve been a stranger entering someone else’s space – starting at a new job in a new office; meeting your new partner’s family for the first time; first time having a playdate at your kid’s new friend’s place – in all these situations, there will usually be the typical nerves – You don’t want to put a foot wrong, you try to work out how people want you to be in their home or space –

• Is this a shoes-off-inside home?

• What are the rules around helping yourself to the food in the fridge?

• Where am I allowed to sit and where does everyone else sit?

• Is this a chatty or quiet office?

• Are personal calls allowed at my desk?

• Is the milk & coffee shared?

As adults we navigate these potentially awkward, confusing new social situations with relative ease because we have years of experience doing so. We recognise that everyone is different and not everyone has the same rules, rituals or beliefs. We have the ability to ask questions to show effort to learn about people’s views; we can laugh at ourselves if we make a silly mistake; we can easily apologise if we upset someone accidentally.

But children and young people do not often have those skills yet, so may not know to ask if they can have a drink of water by the bed at night. They may not know if they can have a night-light on, or know to even ask for one. Can they go to the toilet whenever they need to? Will there be dinner to eat tonight? Do I have to share my only toy I bought from my home?

I’ll never forget a story of a young person receiving a ‘care’ bag at a new placement. In the bag was a soft toy, new pyjamas and underwear, a change of clothing for the next day (critical when kids in care arrive with virtually nothing after an unplanned, urgent or emergency removal), a little activity of a notebook and pen and a new toothbrush, along with other toiletries. This girl opened her bag, a little backpack filled with all these items (probably valued at around $25 in total, all from Kmart), like a child opening gifts at Christmas time. But the toothbrush was what really got her. She pulled it out, this little bright pink toothbrush, and then, turning to her younger brother who was also going through his care bag, checked if he had one too. When he showed her evidence that he too, in fact, had one of his own, a little green one, she exclaimed, “We have one each?!?! I’ve never had a toothbrush of my own before”. She was seven years of age.

Such a simple way to welcome a new child into your home. A bag with some essentials. Most of the children who receive ‘care’ bags or something like that will hold on tight to it especially if they have nothing else, as though they are drift at sea and that bag is their life raft. They don’t know you; they don’t know if you’re a cat or a dog person, if you watch cartoons or documentaries, if you will feed them, or whether they will need to carefully hide food under their bed for later, in case they do not receive their next meal. A care bag, or small gift of a soft toy, or new specially-chosen bed linen, or similar, can help welcome a child, who doesn’t come with anything.

Other ideas carers have shared with me along the way include:

• Inviting the child or young person in, telling them where they can put their things, showing them their room, telling them which bed is for them, showing them around your home and where the bathroom is – “This is the kitchen. We like to eat meals together at the table, but if you are hungry, there is always this bowl of fruit here and you can help yourself, or you can ask me any time if you are hungry and I’ll get you something to eat” and “Here’s the bathroom. You don’t have to ask if you need to go to the toilet, you can go anytime. Ask me if you need help with anything, that’s what I’m here for.”

• Introduce them to the members of your home, including your pets, telling them any special little important bits, like “Ben is a puppy and he is easily excited, but I’ll keep him in the garage until you feel comfortable with him being in the house”.

• Recognise that they will feel overwhelmed, or they may, if very seasoned at this new placement process, pretend not to care and act nonchalant, all the while desperate to make some sort of connection in some sort of way.

• Try not to bombard the child or young person with too many questions or too much info that first night of arrival. I know you’ll want to let them know the rules and boundaries in your home – but it's better to take your time and SHOW them those boundaries, those rules, those routines, through your actions not just your words.

I don’t know about you but when I start a new job, someone sticking a Policies and Procedures manual in my face - a ‘chores chart’, ‘rules list’ or ‘what NOT to do’ reading of the riot act at the home - doesn’t make me feel all that welcome and I’m usually too nervous to take in all the information I need to anyway. It's good to know they exist and where to find out more info but remember, the first ‘need’ is to connect with you and the others in the home.

Some children will be coming to you for the first time since being away from their families, or they may have done this ‘new placement dance’ 30 times. This year. For children new to foster care, things like watching cartoons on the TV until midnight or eating only chicken nuggets, or feeding their baby brother a bottle to get them to sleep, may be what they’re used to at home. They will not be expecting you to want to feed them something nutritious and healthy, or to read them a bedtime story while sitting on the chair beside their bed, or to meet the care needs of a sibling that has been their job since they could walk. They may not be used to the idea of a hug, or even a ‘high 5’. So even the simplest, kindest gesture may not be understood, reciprocated or may even be rejected; at first. Just try to explain what you’re doing and why, just like you would if a visitor came to your house for the first time. “Here, come on in, I’m just making snacks for us in the kitchen. Why don’t you leave your coat and shoes there, come on through, I’ll show you the bathroom, second door on the left, and I’ll take you to sit on the back deck while I bring the coffees. Enjoy the sunshine and I’ll be back in 5 mins!” It's what we’d do for any visitor new to our home.

And for the more ‘seasoned’, the kids that have ‘been there, done that’ and already know this walk through you’re about to do, still do the same for them, even if you get the eye-rolling or face down/no emotion response. I’ve seen 15 year old boys take a teddy out of a care bag, pretend to ‘hhmphh’ in derision, but then secretly put it back in the bag, right near the top, so they knew where it was and could get it out later to hold in bed when trying to stop themselves crying. Ask them what they like, what is important to them, what they need, what they don’t like, what they miss about other placements or even what they miss from home. If they don’t want to share, they won’t. But it’s so powerful for them to know from the get-go that you’re listening, you’re available, you care about them, before you even get to know them. I may enter a new person’s home and they might offer a coffee – me not taking them up on the offer isn’t me being rude; it’s the homeowner being generous, thoughtful and considerate, and respecting me when I say ‘no thanks, maybe later’.

As Urie Bronfenbrenner (a famous American psychologist and theorist, well known for his views on child development) stated, “Each child needs at least one adult who is irrationally crazy about him or her”. Every child coming in your care, whether for a day, a weekend, a month, or who knows how long, needs to know that from day 1, you’re there for them. You’ve got their back. You care about them. They are welcome. They are wanted. They are special.

If you haven’t already, take the Eligibility Quiz today to find out if you’re ready to be the one who cares. Could you care? Take it here; https://thetribeproject.typeform.com/to/d0Jv0EWM

Mel x