COVID19 - How to support Traumatised children through a pandemic and other traumatising events.

Children who experience abuse and trauma are typically hypervigilant to the world around them. They are more watchful for, aware of and susceptible to changes in their routine, their homelife, their friendship groups etc.

These events, even positive ones like birthday parties or holidays, can be experienced as difficult, uncomfortable or even painful for some children, whose brains have geared them to be ready for survival; not play.

That’s why, when some children enter safe, caring foster homes, they can escalate and ‘kick off’, because they are used to chaos, stress and pain - not comfort, kindness, routine, structure etc.

So for children who are geared and ready to ‘fight, flight, freeze, fool’ or any other type of trauma based response to events or activities around them, you can imagine when suddenly their lives are turned upside down again for something like a Covid-19 lockdown, they may experience a huge range of emotions above and beyond what the rest of us are feeling.

Let’s be honest. Covid-19 has sent us all into a tailspin. We’re managing a massive range of emotions, all of us. Fear of the unknown. Worry about loved ones getting ill. Stress about losing jobs or getting behind in our studies. Isolated due to being disconnected and separated from friends and family. Maybe you’re even feeling a sense of relief at not having to be so social, or a sense of peace at having less extracurricular activities. Who knows!?

The great thing about being an adult is that no matter your feeling, you’re allowed to feel it, right? You’re allowed to experience whatever feelings you have and choose how you mange those emotions – meditation, reading, exercising, sleeping, eating, drinking etc (as long as none of these are to excess!). But for children, we expect them to be well-behaved, calm, able to regulate and ‘keep it together’ despite being potentially overwhelmed with the same big emotions we are experiencing; anxiety, stress, fear, isolation, anger, distress - without any of the coping mechanisms or outlets we have at our disposal.

They aren’t allowed to yell, make a mess, throw things, jump up and down, curl up into a ball, ignore us and everything around them. Or are they? While I’m not saying ‘let them go and do whatever they like’ including beating up a sibling, destroying their room etc. I am saying, let them experience their feelings and help them regulate those big feelings, together! Look for the REASON behind the behaviour and deal with that, rather than just address with the behaviour.

How do we do that? We look for the emotion that might be happening…

“I can see you throwing your toys around. Want to tell me what’s happening for you?”

“You’re throwing your toys around. You look like you’re angry at something. Is that what’s going on?”

“You seem to be upset or angry at something. Can I help?”

These might seem a bit strange to be asking a child who is kicking off, and maybe these don’t feel natural for you, but let’s look at what you’re doing when you ask them.

You’re ACKNOWLEDGING the child has a feeling, you’re saying ITS OK TO HAVE THAT FEELING, and OFFERING THEM HELP. You’re not saying its ok to act on their emotions in that way (being destructive or aggressive). You’re simply letting them know you’re there to help them in that moment.

If you need to put in a consequence for a negative behaviour, you can. Later. You don’t have to do it in that moment.

Richard Rose, the world-renowned Life Story Work specialist, recommends you talk about topics with children through child-led, play-based ways, so you can help them talk through own narrative (their own words) about how they feel. One of his tools for talking to children includes the Fact, Fiction, Fantasy and Heroism activity.

Ask the child in your care about the topic you think is worrying them most. For example, covid-19.

“What is a fact about covid-19 you want to share with me, something that is absolutely true?”

They might say something like ‘I know it kills people’, so then you can talk about the rate of people passing away, which is very low in Australia, offering a sense of reassurance and also showing your willingness to have truthful yet difficult conversations, something we want all of our children to be able to do with us as they get older.

“What is something you think might be true about covid-19 but you’re not entirely sure? What do others say, or what have you heard, that you are worried about? What could be ‘fiction’ about covid-19?”

Maybe your child will tell you something that isn’t quite right, such as ‘covid-19 kills all old people, so my grandparents are going to die’. This is a great opportunity to then talk about this fiction with the child, telling them what the reality is and helping to dispel some myths for them. If you don’t know the answers, you could search online or call someone for the right answer, together.

“What would you like to see happen in relation to covid-19? What is your ‘fantasy’, wish or dream about covid-19?”

If your child is anything like mine, they would say ‘I want covid-19 to go away!’ If this is the sort of thing your child dreams or wishes for, then you can give them hope and solutions, telling them about how lockdowns help to keep us safe, or scientists are working on vaccinations etc, so you reassure them that ‘the adults have got this’ and they do not need to worry about it too much. Maybe you can ‘dream’ about what you’ll do as a family when covid-19 lockdowns end, when covid-19 restrictions are lifted, when you can go travelling again etc.

“Who is going to be your hero in this story? Who is going to help you through it, who is going to ‘fix’ the situation and make things better for you? Who is going to help your wish or dream come true?”

This is an opportunity for children to talk about who their safe adult is, who they like to turn to for them (not just during covid-19), and what they can do to help themselves too. For example, they might say ‘you as my foster carer can help me with my school work during lockdown’ or you can talk with them about how you help – by using masks in public, washing our hands more, covering our mouths when we sneeze etc – all the things we can do to help get through this difficult time.

The other ways to help children who are suffered trauma when going through more traumatic events include:

· Keeping to a routine as much as possible.

· Talking with them about what is going on – kids are smart, they know when ‘something is up’ so its best to talk with them in an age-appropriate way about it, so they feel safe to express themselves in words (not in behaviour!)

· Finding opportunities to praise and encourage good behaviour (rather than looking to punish negative ones).

· Limit their exposure to news that may be emotive and overly-dramatic. Keep information clear and accurate for them.

· Role-model how to manage stressful experiences.

Covid-19 lockdowns are scary and stressful, and its ok to tell children you feel like they do – anxious, stressed or worried. But we have to then show them how we manage those feelings. Maybe do a yoga session with them (kids yoga programs are freely available online). Maybe do a ‘cooking class’ at home. Provide cuddles on couch while reading books or watching movies. Spending time WITH children who have suffered trauma while traumatic events are happening around them helps them know you are present, you are available, you are safe.