Christmas isn’t always ‘the most wonderful time of the year’ when you’re in care.

Christmas this year will be different than usual for most people around the world, given the limitations and restrictions Covid-19 has placed upon us. Perhaps you won’t have the opportunity to travel or spend time in person with family and friends like you have in the past. This is the lived experience for many of our children in care over the Christmas period who won’t be spending time with theirs either.

With Christmas fast approaching, you’re probably doing some of your usual traditions and rituals – putting up the lights, decorating the tree, going to ‘carols by candlelight’, baking yummy treats, wrapping gifts to open on Xmas day. Everyone has their Xmas traditions, right??

Now, imagine you are staying with people you don’t know well, if at all, and who don’t know you. They invite you to join in with their traditions which is lovely, but they’re not the same as yours. You may not even remember the ones your parents had, or maybe you haven’t had any at all.

Your carers mean well. They don’t know you’ve never had a stocking ‘hung by the chimney with care’. They don’t know why you argue or yell or start a fight when a certain smell hits the air (could be incense, could be eggnog, could be turkey cooking in the oven). They don’t know why you seem unhappy or maybe even ungrateful for the gift they have bought you.

Christmas time is so difficult, so full of emotions, so overwhelming for some. And for kids in care, it’s even more so. They are away from everything they know, even if some of that isn’t good! It’s still what they are used to, and to be away from it (their family, their community, their home, their siblings, their pets), well, it just makes the holiday period even more of a challenge.

So what can you do about it? There are some simple but effective things you can do to help children in care over the Christmas period:

- Ask them about what their traditions and rituals are at Christmas time. You could introduce one of their rituals or traditions into your household. It could even become a new one for the entire family every year! What an amazing way to make them feel a little bit more special and a little less disconnected at this time of year.

- Ask them what they would like to see happen (especially if their traditions or rituals from the past weren’t so great). Kids aren’t going to ask for the earth…ok, so they might ask for the new Nintendo that’s just come out but that may not be what they really want. For the most part, if children know you are genuine about wanting to make this Christmas more special, they’ll say they’d like Nutella on pancakes for breakfast, like their mum used to make. Or to open gifts on Christmas eve. Or call their Nana Xmas morning. Or to listen to Christmas carols while falling asleep, hoping Santa will come. You adding something like this to your traditions wont be too difficult but it will mean the world to the little person in your home.

- Keep your own special traditions but modify them where necessary to make sure they include the foster child. No child wants to see everyone’s names on stockings hung up for Christmas, and for them not to have one of their own. Or to visit your relatives’ place for Xmas lunch where everyone gets gifts, except for them.

- Keep your traditions as low key as possible, where possible. This can be an overwhelming season for everyday kids without trauma – too much sugar, being out of routine, lots of people coming and going, bright and noisy toys. It’s enough to make even the best behaved child go a bit nutty. So, take a minute to consider what’s going on for the child in your care and keep some routines in place if you can. And don’t respond punitively if the child in your care isn’t on their ‘best behaviour’.

- Give kids some ‘down time’ where they don’t have to be wearing their Sunday best, engaging with others, sitting up at the table eating special meals with others. Everyone needs time to wind down and these moments will help minimise triggers and tantrums for everyone.

- Connections are extremely important during the holiday season. Discuss with your child’s case workers how you can support your little person to stay connected to loved ones and friends. It doesn’t have to mean in-person contact visits. It could simply involve arranging Zoom/Skype/phone calls to light candles, sing Christmas songs, or simply laugh and share stories with family who can’t be with them right now.

Finally, just be there. Be available. Let your foster child know they are truly wanted, cared about and valued this Christmas season. Listen to them and offer to help them get through and actually enjoy this special time.

This is a wonderful and unique time of year for you to make special, positive and enduring memories for a child in care, during a period of their lives that may not have too many positives to recall. It may be your one-off respite Christmas placement or your eighth Christmas with your long-term placement, it doesn’t really matter. Just remember, Children may not remember what you said, what you cooked or what gift you bought them. But they will remember how you made them feel. That they are a special, unique and loved member of your Tribe.

Merry Christmas, from our Tribe to yours x

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